


The (Mis)Adventures of Sky Lizard and Discount Edward Cullen

by Unenthusiastic_mermaid



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, agatha is a wlw living her best life, baz and simon are old here, baz is a barrister, not cannon, only mild crack this time i swear, shep and penny are married probably, simon and baz boyfriends, so like some mentions of nsfw content, text fic, this is a bite fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26554411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unenthusiastic_mermaid/pseuds/Unenthusiastic_mermaid
Summary: Simon wants Baz to bite him. Baz is hesitant. You know the drill.Told through a series of texts, voicemails, and a crumpled up handwritten note....Thanks to@sconeloverand@foolofabookwyrmfor beta reading this mess XD. Sconey came up with the amazing title btw!
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Shepard & Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 21
Kudos: 53





	The (Mis)Adventures of Sky Lizard and Discount Edward Cullen

**Author's Note:**

> I swear this isn't crack. Or at least, not all of it.

_ ** [Simon's Phone: FRIDAY: 11:23AM] ** _

**Sky Lizard** : hey baz I was thinking today

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : Congrats? Do you want a fucking medal?

 **Sky Lizard** : rude but i'll let that slide

 **Sky Lizard** : this is different anyways

 **Sky Lizard** : I have an idea for like the next time we shag

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : As much as I love talking about sex at 11am, I'm literally in a meeting right now. Can we do this later?

 **Sky Lizard** : fuck here it goes

 **Sky Lizard** : baz r you open to biting me

 **Sky Lizard** : like not the usual nibble thing we do but like actually u biting me

 **Sky Lizard** : with ur teeth

 **Sky Lizard** : ur vampre fangs i mean

 **Sky Lizard** : cause i watched that vampire movie with brad pit and i thought it was kinda hot

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : That movie is awful. Also, you already know how I feel about biting.

 **Sky Lizard** : idk I just wanna try it. u like it when I bite u? Why cant u do it to me?? U get a snack and I get a boner. Win win

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : What part of me not wanting to mix food and sex do you not understand?

 **Sky Lizard** : u literally ate whiped cream off my ass last nite??????? this is the same thing!!!!!!!

 **Sky Lizard** : baz you know I'm rite

 **Sky Lizard** : baz answer me you coward

 **Sky Lizard** : tyrannosaurus bazilton gram bitch

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : Assuming I do bite you, which I will Not, have you considered the possibility of this going tits up and me killing you or, even worse, Turning you??

 **Sky Lizard** : i mean you said you were open to change

 **Sky Lizard** : consider it

 **Sky Lizard** : for me❤

 **Sky Lizard** : like worst case u bite me and it goes bad and then i just become a sick ass vampire like twilight

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : I am ignoring you. I have work to do.

 **Sky Lizard** : ur not even gonna turn me first off vampires bite people all the time and dont turn them

 **Sky Lizard** : and secondly what if i talk to pen and ask her? she's smart and colud let us know if its safe

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : You know what? Ask her. I'm sure she'll agree that this is a stupid idea.

 **Sky Lizard** : u know what maybe i will u bastard just so i can prove u wromg

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : Have fun.

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : Now stop fucking texting me I have to do adult things unlike some people.

 **Sky Lizard** : 😏

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : Die <3

 **Sky Lizard** : love u too ❤

* * *

_** [Baz's Phone: FRIDAY 12:20PM] ** _

**Baz** : Agatha, I need your help. Are you busy?

 **Aggs** : Just went on break. What's up?

 **Baz** : Simon problems.

 **Aggs** : lol so nothing new then

 **Baz** : Don't lol at me. This is serious.

 **Aggs** : Sorry sorry

 **Baz** : Anyway

 **Baz** : He texted me at work this morning and literally asked me to bite him. Just casually like this isn't something that could be life threatening.

 **Aggs** : lmao🤣

 **Aggs** : anyways just tell him no

 **Baz:** I did.

 **Aggs** : Problem solved then.

 **Baz** : But I do want to

 **Baz** : Bite him, that is.

 **Aggs** : kinky lol

 **Baz** : Focus, Wellby.

 **Aggs** : okay okay

 **Baz** : Come to think of it, he's really been buttering me up. He even let me keep our windows closed. It's like he's been scheming.

 **Aggs** : ugh unrelated but that was such a missed opportunity right there

 **Baz** : What?

 **Aggs** : Not important.

 **Aggs:** Listen.

 **Aggs** : Your boyfriend has a biting kink. That's like not uncommon. It's part of the vampire appeal. I get it. Been there done that. And you seem to be into it too?

 **Baz** : Yes. Very much.

 **Aggs:** Then maybe just go with it?

 **Baz** : Aggs. This isn't like some kind of regular kink, this can be life or death. I actually could kill him. I want it, but I'm afraid I'll lose control and kill him.

 **Aggs** : Listen my sweet sweet basil. You gotta actually have a real chat with this boy and sit down then. Stop talking to me and talk to him. I'm not the one you're gonna bite.

 **Aggs** : Communication is key. You both wanna do it. So talk it thru and set boundaries.

 **Baz** : Ugh I hate this.

 **Baz** : I'm too gay for this, you know.

 **Aggs** : oh honey me too

* * *

_** [7 Missed Calls: FRIDAY 2:25PM] ** _

"Hey, this is Dr. Penelope Bunce. I'm away from the phone right now but if this is a Magikal emergency, please leave your name, number, and the spell that went wrong. Thank you."

...

Voicemail 1: Penny pick up I need your help. Call me. This is Simon by the way. Call me.

Voicemail 2: Penny please answer me this is urgent. I'm Simon by the way.

Voicemail 3: Penny I need your help with Baz. I need to convince him to listen to me and you make good arguments. This is Simon again. Call me.

Voicemail 4: Penny this is a code red. Red as in I need help with winning an argument with my stupid vampire boyfriend. Please call me. This is Simon by the way.

Voicemail 5: Bunce, this is Baz. Call me when you can. We need to talk.

Voicemail 6: Penny pick up the phone and call me or I will die. Like, _die_ die. Like a full funeral and all.

Voicemail 7: The last voicemail was from me by the way. Simon. You know, your friend who needs help. Call me.

* * *

**_ [Transcript of a Call Made From Simon's Phone: FRIDAY 2:32PM] _ **

**Shep** : Jello?

 **Simon** : Mate listen I– _Did you just say "Jello"?_

 **Shep** : Yeah! It's great because it sounds like "hello"!

 **Penny:** Shep stop trying to make the "Jello" thing happen.

 **Simon** : Is that Pen? PENNY? PENNY!!!

 **Shep** : Yeah! She's working on a spell I think. Something with lots of candles and peanut butter? Anyway, how's it been bro–

 **Simon** : Shep, get Penny on the phone. I need to talk to her. It's a Baz emergency.

 **Shep** : Oh shucks, are you okay? Did he bite you?

 **Simon** : I bloody wish.

 **Shep** : What?

 **Simon** : Nothing.

 **Shep** : Anyway, it's been a while. I've been meaning to ask you if you'd be willing to talk to a swamp creature for me. See, it's being really stubborn and–

 **Simon** : Shep, you're my best bro and I care about you but I don't have time for this! Baz is gonna be home soon and I _need_ to talk to Penny.

 **Shep** : Pen! Pen! Simon's on the phone!

 **Penny** : What? Tell him I'm busy!

 **Shep** : Simon needs you! It's Baz related! I put you on speaker, Simon.

 **Penny** : _When is it not?_ Tell him I'm busy right now and I'll call him back later!

 **Simon** : Penny please this is vampire related and I really need to win an argument.

 **Shep** : Oh Penny is great with debates. She made a man cry last week at the coven meeting. It was amazing.

 **Penny** : Simon, I am literally dealing with a demonic ritual I don't have time for more vampire sex questions.

 **Simon** : No this is different! And it's not sex related. I need to know about vampires Turning people.

 **Penny** : Mhmm… and why do you need this information?

 **Simon** : For research.

 **Penny** : So it is sex related then.

 **Shep** : Oof.

 **Penny** : Like I said, I will call you later.

 **Simon** : Penny please I am dying and need your help. Baz is being stubborn and him biting me is vital to our relationship.

 **Penny** : Shep, please hang up the damn phone.

 **Shep** : That's rough. Anyways, get back to me on the swamp creature thing–

 **Simon** : PENNY PLEASE!

 **Shep** : Penny wait why did you grab the phon–

***Call ended***

* * *

_** [Simon's Google History: FRIDAY: 2:58PM] ** _

_"Vanpirs"_

_“Vampirs”_

_"Vampires"_

_"Vampire bites"_

_"Vampire bites deadly"_

_"Real vampire bites deadly"_

_"Vampire venom"_

_"Vampire bite not killing someone"_

_"Not twilight vampire bite not killing someone"_

_"Can you die by vampire"_

_"Are vampire bites toxic"_

_“How much blood can you lose before you die”_

_“How much blood is safe to lose”_

_“Is blood loss bad?”_

_"How to win a fight"_

_“Relationship advice”_

_"Good date night at home ideas"_

_"Dinner ideas"_

_"Garlic bread poison to vampire"_

_"Garlic bread recipe"_

_"Ideas for an Italian dinner"_

_"How to make homemade pasta"_

_“Blood pasta sauce”_

_“Blood food Italian dinner”_

_“Bulk pigs blood buy London”_

* * *

_ **[Transcript of a Call Made from Baz’s Phone: FRIDAY 3:49PM]** _

**Baz:** Bunce, I need to confirm something with you.

 **Penny:** Yes you can bite him and not kill him.

 **Baz:** Thank you, I– how did you know that was my question?

 **Penny:** Simon called earlier.

 **Baz:** Right… uhm…well I’m not sure what he said but–

 **Penny:** I really don’t care about what you two do in bed. Just please refrain from getting me involved in the future, got it, Pitch?

 **Shep:** Oh, is that Baz? Tell him I said–

***Call Ended***

* * *

_ ** [Draft of a Handwritten Note Found in Baz's Trash: FRIDAY 4:02PM] ** _

~~Simon, Snow,~~ Simon,

 ~~I don't know how else to say this and you know how I hate phones,~~ I just wanted to say that I've thought about your ~~text~~ request and that I'm open to the idea. This isn't me saying that I think it's a good or safe idea, ~~but rather that you're an idiot~~ but that I'd be willing to try it out. I contacted ~~Bunce~~ my acquaintances and from what I'm aware of, a vampire bite will not kill you ~~but your stupidity sure will.~~ I have wanted the same thing for a while and, if I am given enough time to ~~drink before~~ prepare, I would be willing to give you a SMALL bite.

~~Note to self: This is stupid. Just talk to him you lazy twink. With love, past Baz.~~

* * *

** _[1 Missed Call from Simon: FRIDAY 4:30PM]_ **

"This is Tyrannus Basilton Pitch of Pitch Legal Associates. I'm away from the phone right now. Leave your name and number and I will contact you at the earliest convenience."

...

Voicemail 1: Baz, it's me. Simon. First off, you sound like a right posh twat in your voicemail. Second, wait outside the door when you get home. I'm working on a surprise.

* * *

_** [Simon's Phone: FRIDAY 5:37PM] ** _

**Discount Edward Cullen:** I'm home

 **Discount Edward Cullen:** Hello?

 **Discount Edward Cullen:** Simon I've been standing out here for 5 mins and my feet hurt. When can I come in?

 **Sky Lizard** : gimmie a sec

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : Remind me why I shouldn't just come in.

 **Sky Lizard:** its a surprise hush

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : I expect a good back rub tonight.

 **Sky Lizard:** shhhhhh plz wait pls i love you please wait just a second

 **Discount Edward Cullen** : I can't believe I put up with you.

 **Sky Lizard:** 😚

 **Sky Lizard** : ok come in now

 **Discount Edward Cullen:** Finally

* * *

_** [Agatha’s Phone: FRIDAY 8:28PM] ** _

**Vampire:** He fucking made me dinner.

 **Agatha:** no way

 **Vampire:** Homemade pasta, garlic bread, fucking wine not in a bag...

 **Agatha:** you can’t hear me but i’m laughing my ass off

 **Vampire:** He’s really going for it.

 **Vampire:** God he even stuffed his arse into that pair of Levis I bought him last summer.

 **Vampire:** I think I’m going to die.

 **Agatha** : this is good tho?????

 **Vampire:** I’m not ready.

 **Vampire:** There were CANDLES in the bathroom. He also put away the dishes. He knows what a clean sink does to me….

 **Agatha:** why are you texting me when you could be snogging ur bf????

 **Vampire:** He had to “get ready.”

 **Vampire:** I’m in the kitchen chugging this awful pint of pig’s blood.

 **Vampire:** If you don’t hear from me again that means I’ve died. Bury me in a red silk-lined coffin, please. And don’t let Daphne put me in a black suit.

 **Agatha:** I wouldn’t dream of it ;)

* * *

_** [Baz’s Phone: FRIDAY 8:51PM] ** _

**Baz:** Is this better?

 **Snow:** yea

 **Snow:** it’s just hard to say it out loud

 **Snow:** talking has always been hard

 **Snow:** i always feel stupid

 **Baz** : You’re not stupid.

 **Snow:** but i feel it.

 **Snow:** it even feels weird texting when we’re like right next to each other

 **Baz:** It’s only weird if you make it weird.

 **Snow:** yeah

 **Baz:** So… are we going to do this?

 **Snow:** yeah

 **Snow:** I mean I want to

 **Baz:** Really? Between the 300 texts and the awful vampire movies you’ve been watching, I couldn’t tell.

 **Snow:** stop laughing

 **Baz:** I can’t believe you even called Bunce.

 **Snow:** listen

 **Snow:** i had to be sure lol

 **Snow:** bc i like not dying

 **Baz:** I also like you not dying <3

 **Snow:** for the love of god please use emojis like a normal person

 **Baz:** I refuse.

 **Snow:** twat lol

 **Baz:** idiot

 **Snow:** so

 **Baz** : so

 **Snow:** r u ready

 **Baz:** Yeah

* * *

_** [Simon’s Phone: FRIDAY 11:23] ** _

**Sky Lizard:** pen u still awake

 **Lucky Penny:** yes

 **Lucky Penny:** how did it go?

 **Sky Lizard:** amazing

 **Lucky Penny:** and baz?

 **Sky Lizard:** hes asleep on me. am textng wit h my left hand

 **Lucky Penny:** I’m glad you both survived

 **Sky Lizard:** yeah, me too.


End file.
